We are officially a week away from my deployment date 2.0. My range of emotions has run the gamete and I am equal parts nervous, excited, apprehensive, and terrified. In the spirit of honesty, I have to say that my apprehension comes from the feeling that something else is going to happen that will put my journey on pause again or that will end my experience all together. The trust that I have put in my family and in the unknown that lies ahead of me makes my inner perfectionist squirm.
But here we are. A week away for a second time. I wish that I could say I am at peace with my brother’s passing and I am ready for this next adventure. While there are moments when that is true, most of the time it just feels like this is what I’m supposed to do next. My family has tried to normalize while wrestling with this new normal. My mom has gone back to work and my dad is getting back to the projects he put on pause. I have never questioned whether or not I am being called to Rwanda, but the call hasn’t always felt like a blessing. In fact, there are times when it has felt more like an obligation.
I know that I am blessed with amazing communities of support here in the states and in Rwanda and all around the world. It is truly because of these support systems that I have been able to move forward through the times when I feel so excited that I can’t wait to board the plane and the moments when I wish I could have another month. I have been blessed with the opportunity to video chat with my cohort and my Kinyarwanda tutor and that amplifies my sense of purpose in all of this. While I love reading, there is only so much you can get from a book before you need the real thing in front of you. I am excited to experience the places I am reading about.
If you are reading this and you are the praying type, please pray for some peace, balance, and perspective for me and my family. If you can send love and good vibes my way I would be eternally grateful. If you could chat with your ancestors and ask them to watch out for my spirit that would be amazing. If you have supported me in anyway, please know that it is because of that support that I take this next step. In the words of one of my favorite musicals… Here we go again!