Today, I woke up feeling absolutely zapped of energy and motivation. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, I had gotten good sleep and I had eaten a good breakfast. I even took my multi-vitamin. I started hustling to get to the office because I was running late, and when I looked at my watch, I realized what day it is. Today is six months since my brother died.
The weight of that never really goes away. There are honestly moments when it crushes me to point that I cannot breathe. I have a few strategies for coping. In fact, I have a playlist on Spotify called Coping that I listen to when I really need a moment. Sometimes I light a candle and just allow myself to think of him. I found a nice podcast called Grief Cast that talks with people about losing a loved one and it is also very helpful. The truth is that I really just miss him more than anything.
But that is where my time here in Rwanda becomes interesting. I miss Kalen like crazy, and I miss everyone else that I have waiting for me at home. I have never really been one who is homesick, and I would say I am still not homesick for my home necessarily (#PolarVortex). I am, however, homesick for my people. I talk to my parents at least once a week on the phone. I do my best to stay in contact on a regular basis with friends over Whatsapp, iMessage, and Facebook. In the course of the conversations, there are so many “I miss you”s exchanged that they could start to lose meaning over time. The reality is that I mean it more and more every time I say it.
Now, I know that I don’t miss them the same. I know that my people will all be waiting for me when I get home in July (Arrival Date: TBD), and I know that he won’t. I carry him with me every day, but I didn’t expect to carry all of my loved ones too. The photo below is inspired by a project done a few years back by my good friend Daniel <3. It reminds me that the people I love will never truly leave me, and for that I am thankful.